I’m told most people write some story about themselves in this space. I read a bunch, and they were things like, “I was a horrible alcoholic, and everything was horrible, and somebody important in my life died, and I miss him or maybe it was a her, I can’t remember because I was a horrible alcoholic at the time, but now I am a millionaire.”
I don’t have a story like that, and I don’t know what anyone is looking for when they go to an “About page” beyond some sort of credential. If I am looking for something like my car keys, I’m really only looking for something that actually has a tangible result which was never expected to be an end in itself; I need the keys to get to a destination, I’m not really looking for the keys, I am trying to go somewhere and need car keys, but going somewhere is the point and it is easy to get lost in looking for the keys. Not finding the keys is frustrating and disappointing but less frustrating than not being able to get to where I want to go. It’s sort of like hoping there is some magic like in the movies that will take care of everything. Real magic is an illusion, and if really well done, took a lot of practice and time on the part of the illusionist. We all could be illusionists, it just means we have a lot of work to do.
Perhaps reading the “About page” is seeking a validation that experiences of the writer, in this case me – I didn’t forget that, it’s just a formality to say, “the writer,” – is just a human being like everybody else, maybe he (because I am a he, so I use the appropriate pronoun, not because I am a sexist whatever objectification you are throwing at me right now (oh yeah, wear that, you just objectified me you high and mighty person) will total up to something helpful. I am not always happy and I am not always sad or angry or fearful. Each day is a new day, with new opportunities (that’s real).
Perhaps I have had some experiences. I’ve been alive, had children, had jobs ranging from laborer, restaurant worker (cleaning, pantry cook, busboy, door person, waiter), psychiatric hospital work, forensic prison work, university staff, community development work, grant writer, government grant /contract/ program manager…I’ve seen and spoken with a lot of people over the years. Most important, I’ve been a dad. I am not sure why I didn’t expect it, but the role is radically changed, as my kids have grown up. I knew it intellectually, I just didn’t know how it would feel, and it’s different.
So I am alive, just like you, my reader (gender-less pronoun yet specific as a descriptor of your individual action at this moment as a reader to indicate that indeed, it is to you, not the indiscriminate space of the internet or in the empty ceramic mug that held your coffee or whiskey moments ago).
My intent is to look at questions for now and think about various answers. For the moment, since I am relatively sure I am my own reader, I’m asking myself, but I’m happy to take a stab at someone else’s questions should they be asked. Sometimes there aren’t any really good answers but there are the things people do. Sometimes thoughts and advice are helpful, and sometimes it all is a bad idea.
Muddling my way through things, I choose the risk and the responsibility I take in my actions. Occasionally, I feel like it is amazing I am still alive. I made some questionable choices over the years; other times, I simply remember that I didn’t do something great, like take an amazing trip with friends or family, and I can’t remember what was so important that I didn’t do it. Choices. Lots of choices, some good, some not so good, but I have always found them more manageable when I made them rather than have someone else or events make them for me.
I might say more or clarify this over time. I might not. Either way, I do hope in some way that something here adds something nice to your day or night. Life is kind of hard and confusing and we all need a few moments of respite, whether it’s an amusing anecdote or a story, just a little thing like a thread to add to the fabric that has been woven through our day.